Nostalgia Critic's Phantom of the Opera Review - Original Soundtrack

by Nostalgia Critic / Shark Jumping

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This is the original soundtrack for the Nostalgia Critic/Shark Jumping review of 2004's "Phantom of the Opera," which debuted March 15, 2016.


released March 15, 2016

Musical Director: Barney Walker
Recording Engineer: Barney Walker
Lyrics: Beth Elderkin, Rob Walker, Doug Walker & Barney Walker
Orchestrations: Matt Sampson & Barney Walker
Melodies: Barney Walker
Vocalists: Beth Elderkin, Doug Walker, Tamara Chambers, Rob Walker, Malcolm Ray, Barney Walker & Matt Fagerholm



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Track Name: I Can Sing
I can sing
I can sing so well
Hear how great I am
It’s kind of weak
But you’re supposed
To be my biggest fan

Stare in awe
As I do somewhat well
And then heap on me tons of praise
For barely doing better
Than a high school play

I can't believe
You're actually digging
This with such rapt intensity
This is autotuned and meek like
Milli Vanilli
Track Name: Angel of Stupid
Angel of stupid
Why do you make me
Sing like Emmy Rossum
She is so-so
Merely sounds better
By comparison

Insolent boy!
This whiny Critic
What the fuck is your problem?
Gerard never sang before this damn movie
And I think he sounds awesome

This is the fault with these movies
Giving non-singers the spotlight
It’s better to have no celebrity
They’d at least sound right

Angel of stupid
This isn’t working
Nothing will make us like it

You are totally insane-

Angel of stupid
Won’t you admit it
Schumacher made a bad flick

I am no Angel of Stupid
I am pure sexy and coolness
Track Name: Fandumb of the Opera
In dreams I heard the tale
Of fantasy
A fan of Schumacher’s
Phantom movie

Though in reality
We know it bites
The Fandumb of the Opera don’t see
This movie’s trite

Sing praises and admit
This movie’s great
Gerard Butler is a
Musical saint

Though Phantom fans believe
This movie’s shite
The Fandumb of the Opera is there
To make things right

Though parts might be okay
This film’s a mess
Along with Butler’s strange
Dueling accents

That’s great/strange to focus on
Give it a try / Don’t want to try
The Fandumb of the Opera is

Totally awesome and sexy and dark and cool and great and did I mention sexy?
Now sing real high

He’s weird, the Fandumb of the Opera
Track Name: Screeching of my Pride
So soft
So smooth
This is sweet seduction
I’m so
great at
Pushing all your buttons

Let me blow your mind
With these melodies so fine
I’m a sexy prince with all these cool-ass lines
Take pleasure in the screeching of my pride
Track Name: Texts
(coming soon)
Track Name: Hyper Fangirl
Hyper Fan Girl
Fan fiction of the strange
The charts don’t lie
But don’t ask why
They’re just that way

Aren’t you excited at
All the cosplay
Think of all ways
We tolerate you

Hyper Fan Girl
There’s nowhere else to go
Cause I mean please
Who has a need for a weirdo

But if you stay here
You’ll be loved all your days
Be Hyper Fan Girl always!

Hyper Fan Girl
Yes, I will win his heart
It’s destiny / Think of the fans
Critic and me
From the start / We’ll just ship Boner and Lovembrace

I’m so excited
To/You’ll star in his play
I’m/Be Hyper Fan Girl
Track Name: All the Movie Asks of You
I have barely known you
For most of the running time
And yet, I guess that’s enough
To go from strange to true love

But I’m not sure why I like you
You’re bland and super white
But still, we were friends as babies
Is that enough
Well maybe

So say I’ll never ever leave
No never
Seriously, I am now attached to you
Even with that crazy stalker Fandumb
You’ll probably die
Well yes I guess that’s true

Love me
The movie says I do
Track Name: Metaphor
This whole song is only for
Don’t you see
Cause the Phantom wears a mask too

You’ve heard all this junk before
Metaphor, it’s cliched
But we’re acting like it’s brand new

Here’s a mask, there’s a mask
There are oh so many masks
We can bask in the task
Of deciphering all these masks
There’s a mask
That looks like a bourbon cask
And a mask like a flea

There’s a mask that is green
And a mask for Halloween
There’s a mask that fits most
And a Casper-friendly ghost
There’s a mask without a face
It’s the right mask for me
Track Name: Wishing That This Sh** Never Happened
You were once my favorite critic
You made movies better
And you were a classic novel
Then came Andrew Lloyd Webber

Wishing that this shit never happened
Wishing we could just retreat
To times before
Over-bloated scores
And fairy tale endings

Wishing we could watch movies once again
Like the Princess Diaries 2
There on the couch
Laughing out loud
Without kidnapping you

The Phantom was a tragic figure
Not some emo canary
If only we could go back in time
To Christmas so Merry

It’s not enough
I won’t give up
Til I can press rewind

Wishing that this shit never happened
Then it could be him and me
I’ll use coercion
Where is the Persian?
And ambiguity?

No more pretending
Won’t let Webber slide
No more fun and games
I will make him mine

Help me press rewind
Help me press rewind
Track Name: Point of Epic Burns
(coming soon)
Track Name: BONUS: Fuller Shark Jumping House
Whatever happened to the nostalgia kick
With decades-old humor
The same old shtick

Will it have laugh tracks
So many woos
Every time an actor
Comes into the room

But we’ll make it modern
With lots of sex jokes
And don’t forget Trump
He’s funny, you know

Here’s the Same shit
Different chromosomes
Fuller House has come home

That is Shark Jumping
When it jumps the shark, jumps the shark
By merely existing
That is Shark Jumping
It all comes apart, comes apart
By making it a thing
That is Shark Jumping

When you use nostalgia as an excuse
Without adding anything new
That is Shark Jumping
That is Shark Jumping, baby
I'll tell you about it sometime